Imaginal Exposure.. In Wartime

I’ve shared about why I love exposure therapy before, from a clinical perspective why it's the gold standard treatment for phobias, OCD, and PTSD. But today, I want to share how I’m using it personally, during the current wartime, in my day to day moments, to stay wholehearted and spiritually grounded.

Here’s something I’ve noticed, just an observation, not a judgment. There seem to be two kinds of moms (very generally speaking) during war, sirens, and the ongoing, disorienting task of keeping your family safe.

There’s the practical mom. The one who stays in the here and now, handles logistics, does what needs to be done, keeps the family safe, but avoids thinking too deeply about the emotional cost. She’s present physically, but at the expense of living in full synthesis with her emotion (which affects all relationships and spirituality etc!). 

Then there’s the more anxious mom (that’s me). Dreading sirens. Holding tension all day. Snappy, shaky, trying hard to keep it together and stay practical but easily pulled into a storm of “what ifs.” She’s emotionally connected, but too easily flooded and limited practically. 

They both clearly have their pluses and minuses. They both make lots of sense given the circumstances, so no judgement for all the spectrums us awesome moms are finding ourselves in in these two broad categories. 

Introducing imaginal exposure. Let me show you what that can look like. 

When a siren goes off, or even when I notice that familiar edge of anxiety bubbling at whatever point in the day, I don’t try to push it away. I don’t distract. I get curious. What is my current feared outcome? Or in other words what is the thing I am currently afraid of happening? 

And then I go there. I intentionally spell out the feared scenario... I imagine briefly facing the worst-case outcome. I imagine (briefly) what I would do, how I would cope, how I’d survive the fallout. My fear usually rises and I stick with it until I get to some end/resolution, all within a span of 30 seconds to a minute. To wrap up, I strengthen the exposure with the final step. Tolerating the uncertainty. 

I radically accept that it can happen.

That very bad things - unspeakable things - might happen to me or to the people I love. I stop trying to mentally run from it, and I let go of the illusion that I can protect everyone with my worry. And I just sit with this might happen to me right now or in another moment. Very bad things can happen to me right now. It might happen. Swallow, pause, accept, feel sadness but then...

And on the other side of that radical acceptance, something shifts.

I feel… a sense of serenity. Not because things are okay, but because I’m no longer fighting the truth and reality that they might not be. 

And more than peace - I feel invincible. Aligned. It’s like every part of me; my thoughts, my body, my heart, my values, locks into place. I’m no longer bouncing between fear and avoidance. I’ve used my whole mind and whole heart to show up for life at this moment. My love for each moment of life comes into full focus, along with so much gratitude for my present moment that the bad things that might happen actually did not happen yet. That truth doesn’t make me resigned or more panicked, it actually makes me present.

And with all that emotional courage and wisdom follows a complete reliance on Hashem. Not the kind that’s wishful or desperate, but the kind that’s grounded in the truest truth. I’ve faced the fear, walked through it, accepted its possibility… and now I can remember that life and death are not in my hands at all. They never were.

It's so worth it. 

Do I do this all the time?

No.

Am I sometimes just anxious and snappy and totally not dealing with it?

Yup.

Am I sometimes just practical and emotionally disconnected and avoiding what’s underneath?

Also yup.

But when I can do this, when I pause, name the fear, and accept it, the difference it makes… makes all the difference.