The Real Way to Change a Behavior for Good

Every year, a lot of us start out with the best of intentions. This is the year to stop procrastinating, start working out, spend less time on our phones, and finally stop losing our temper so often. And then after just a short while, things start to slip. We miss a few days. We feel the old habits creeping back in. We get self-critical: “Why do I always do this?” or “Why can’t I just stop?” It’s easy to turn that frustration inward and feel like you lack motivation or discipline. But what if the problem isn’t you? What if the problem is that most of us were never taught how behavior actually works?

Here’s what’s true: it is difficult to stop a behavior without understanding what it’s doing for you. Even the things you want to change usually serve a purpose. They might give you relief, distraction, comfort, or a way to avoid something uncomfortable. For example, procrastinating on work might be a way of avoiding the fear of not doing it perfectly. Snacking late at night might be the only moment you feel soothed in the day. Scrolling your phone might be how you regulate anxiety when you’re too wired to sleep. These behaviors are not random; they are solutions. Maybe not the most helpful ones, but solutions. 

So the first step in making real change is asking yourself: what is this behavior doing for me? Not “what’s wrong with me for doing this,” but “what function is this meeting?” Are you avoiding something painful? Are you trying to feel something good? Are you trying to prevent something bad from happening? That answer gives you the direction you need.

Once you know the purpose a behavior serves, you can start thinking about what else might meet that same need in a way that works for you long-term. That’s where the idea of a “positive opposite” comes in. Instead of focusing on what you’re trying to stop doing, shift your attention to what you want to start doing instead. If you’re trying to stop snapping at your partner when you feel overwhelmed, maybe the new behavior is taking a breath, saying you need a minute, or learning to name what’s going on for you. If you’re trying to stop checking your phone all day, maybe the new behavior is leaving it in a different room for short stretches and doing something with your hands, like drawing, stretching, or even just having a cup of tea without distraction. The key is to focus on what you want to do, not just what you’re trying to stop doing.

Now comes the part most people skip: reinforcement. For a new behavior to stick, it has to feel rewarding in some way. This doesn’t mean you need to throw yourself a party every time you keep a kabbalah or make progress towards your goal, but you do need to give your brain a reason to want to do it again. That might mean noticing how good it feels to complete something, giving yourself a small treat, mentally celebrating the effort, or pairing the new behavior with something pleasant. Initially, reinforcement needs to be consistent.

Once the behavior starts to take root, you can and should ease off a little, but early on, your brain needs to associate the new action with something that feels good, or at least better.

And of course, you’re going to hit resistance. That’s not a sign of failure; that’s your nervous system doing what it’s designed to do: protect you by sticking with the familiar. Even when the familiar isn’t helpful. Expect moments when you want to give up, when it feels uncomfortable or pointless, when the old habits pull at you. That’s normal. The trick is to plan for those moments in advance. Have something ready, a phrase you can tell yourself, a mindfulness exercise to bring yourself to your wise mind, a reminder of why this matters.

And when you slip up, and you will, don’t treat it like starting over. Be curious as to why that may have happened. Ask, “What made today harder?” and “What might I need tomorrow to support myself better?” Behavior change isn’t about doing it perfectly but staying in the process.

If you take nothing else away from this, let it be this: changing a behavior isn’t about willpower. It’s about understanding, implementing, and reinforcing. Understand what the behavior is doing for you. Choose a positive opposite that meets the same need. Reinforce it early and often. Expect resistance. And keep showing up for yourself, even if it’s in small, quiet, imperfect ways. This is how real, lasting change begins.