Catching our “Shoulds”

Did you ever hear yourself saying something along the lines of “it just shouldn’t be this way?”, or “I should be able to just do xyz”? These statements are often discussed in our DBT skills group when we talk about the skill of being non-judgemental. Being non-judgemental is about being in reality exactly how reality is, without placing any of our own judgements or interpretations onto the reality itself. 

One form of judgements is the SHOULD statements, because essentially what we are saying is that reality should not be the way it is! We are pushing it away, saying “no no”, instead of being able to look at the reality, confront it, and then act from that place. With “shoulds”, we often get stuck, frozen in place as judgements can often stop us from being effective, from doing what’s needed to actually make the changes I want to make in my life. For example, listen to the difference between these two statements. Number 1- “Oh man, I am always late to work. I really should leave my house 10 minutes earlier!” Number 2- Oh, I see I was late to work today. I really do want to be on time tomorrow. I will set my alarm earlier so I can leave the house with enough time/” Often with a number 1 type of statement, we stay stuck in that place, feeling critical of ourselves stating reality should just be different, and usually change doesn't come from that place. Instead, when we stick to the facts, and notice what it is that I WANT instead of what SHOULD be, I can then make movement because I’ve confronted reality for what it is. 

Another type of should statement can be something like “this person should just know differently”. Usually with this type of should statement, we get caught up in anger and resentment, at a much higher degree than if we took out the judgement. Instead, we can catch that judgement and bring ourselves to look at the facts of what happened and how I feel from the facts. For example, “this person made a comment to my child that hurt his feelings, and I feel sad about that”. This allows for us to deal with the emotion that stems straight from the situation itself, instead of adding on even more of an emotional reaction with a “should” statement or any other other type of judgement such as labeling the person as “nasty” or “mean”.

Of course, judgemental language is a normal and natural way our human brains work! And we do not expect that we remove all judgements. Instead, the work is about noticing those judgments/interpretations and bringing our attention to facts of what is, to what I can observe through my five senses, as well as taking a look at my emotions that stem from the facts. This can help us in being more mindful in our day to day lives, as well as improve our emotional regulation.