Radical Acceptance and Bitachon

“That’s just the reality of the situation,” someone flatly states to you, not helping to ease your worries. In fact, that statement isn’t comforting at all. Obviously you know your difficult situation is “the reality”, that’s why you’re so upset. Do they think you’re on your fourth cup of sleep-deprived coffee because it’s not the reality? You’ve been up the whole night worrying or pacing– usually both, and that’s because you know just how real the issue is. You know the rent isn’t going to pay itself. You know that the illness isn’t easy to manage. You know that the interview went badly. You know the situation is bad. Trust me, you know. So why are they telling you that it’s the reality?

The underlying message of their statement is an encouragement to accept the reality. Just accept it. This is the situation. It’s not a good situation, but look, facts are that it’s happening. Put the instant coffee in the cabinet, listen to a good song you know the lyrics to, and then go to bed. It’s time to accept your far-from-ideal situation. However, upon hearing this message, your immediate sleep-deprived reaction is annoyance. You’re not ready to accept it. Needing to move to a less affordable apartment. Scheduling a few doctors’ appointments when you’d rather be hanging out with friends. Not getting the job you desperately wanted. When other people tell us to accept our situation, it can often feel invalidating, like they don’t understand just how hard this is and just how much you are feeling stuck.

Here’s where defining acceptance is so crucial in being able to truly accomplish this step. Acceptance is not celebration. It is not approval. It is not saying that this is wonderful, acceptable, or okay. Acceptance is fully and totally acknowledging that this is the situation that we’re in, that we can not currently change the present facts, whether or not we are happy about them. In DBT, we call this radical acceptance. 

There are so many situations that we confront throughout life that are incredibly difficult to manage– and even harder to accept. Acceptance is that step that prevents our pain from turning into suffering. It does not mean you approve of the situation. It does not mean any of it is fair to you. It’s just a recognition of where your power lies. By choosing to radically accept the difficulty, you prevent yourself from becoming stuck on resentment, sadness, and anger. It will still hurt, there’s no denying that. But this acceptance enables you to acknowledge the pain in the situation, notice that it’s there, and have it be there without suffering. Statements like “it is what it is” or “this is what happened” help us notice and identify the situation and accept it. We’re not saying “this is what happened, and it’s awesome,” because it might really not be awesome. But we are noticing what happened and accepting that it happened, so that it does not have to weigh us down. 

While the concept of radical acceptance as described above is from DBT, this concept is firmly rooted in the Torah, in the idea of Bitachon. The Shaar HaBitachon describes how Hashem is taking care of you, and orchestrating each of your struggles for your personal benefit. So when you confront circumstances that you cannot easily fix, know that it is in His hands. Radically accept: this situation is largely out of my control now, and it is instead in Hashem’s hands. 

The Shaar HaBitachon continues by saying that having Bitachon in Hashem leads to “peace of mind from the worries of the world, and tranquility from the nagging of the spirit and its pain, which is due to the person’s lack of obtaining his physical desires”. Once you instill the belief that the entire situation is ultimately in Hashem's hands, it will relieve such a large burden from your shoulders. It will help you radically accept the unchangeable facts of your situation.

The rent is still due. The illness hasn’t been cured. The interview still went badly. Yet your mind is no longer fighting reality. You take a deep breath, and essentially say, it is what it is. You accept the facts, and that sometimes you can’t change things. You trust Hashem, and continue on.