Freedom: Pesach and Radical Acceptance

And just like that, Pesach is only one short day away. Between the cleaning, list-making, shopping, and cooking, the question of what Nissan is really about may have slipped into the back of your mind. Like every time in the Jewish year, there are different themes that we can tap into to help us connect to that time. When the month of Nissan comes around, it is a z’man cheiruseinu, a time of freedom. I don’t know about you, but this year especially, I have been struggling to understand how freedom fits into the picture. No matter where you are in the world, there are countless unknowns. We all have relatives or friends (or ourselves) who are living in Eretz Yisrael and are feeling the daily impact of war. Freedom? How could we tap into this time of year when so much feels stuck, so much feels the same, and the end of the tunnel isn’t shining as bright as we may have hoped for it to.

Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, teaches a skill called radical acceptance. This is when a person looks at the reality which she is in and completely accepts the situation for how it is – without judgments or fighting back. As humans, we often find ourselves pushing back against our realities. “I don’t want things to be this way,” is a common thought which has crossed everyone’s mind at some point or another. And that feeling is not always bad – in order to change, we have to get to the point where we think to ourselves: the way things are going aren’t working for me. The thing is, many people find themselves resisting the way their life is going, and as a result don’t get themselves to that place of growth. What DBT asks of each of us is to radically accept the situation exactly as it is. For example, this year I am preparing Pesach (which happens to fall out after a chameitzdig Shabbos), during a war. So, my kids are home and every few hours I am in the bomb shelter for some time. No resistance. No judgments. Just the facts. This doesn’t mean that you need to like the facts, but it allows you to release the thought of, it shouldn’t be this way.

When a person is faced with pain and is unable to accept reality, it leads to thoughts and feelings associated with suffering. However, when a person is faced with pain and accepts reality, it leads to freedom. 

The same stimuli, the same pain, can lead to suffering or can lead to freedom. The difference lies in our ability to accept what is. It’s easy to view freedom as the absence of rules, the absence of pain, and the absence of setbacks. What radical acceptance teaches is that you could be in a painful time, you could be facing a setback, and you can be under the guidelines of something external, and feel freedom. I think about Bnei Yisrael as they are standing at the Yam Suf. There’s water in front of them, there are Egyptians behind them, and they feel pained and stuck. And then there’s Nachshon. He acknowledged the situation he was in and didn’t resist it. Instead, he walked into the water, into reality, and he kept going deeper and deeper until it was at his nose. At that moment of total faith and acceptance, Hashem split the sea, and the Jewish people were free from the Egyptians. 

Radical acceptance is a practice, and something that takes time to fully integrate into your mindset and your life. As you begin to accept reality, you may notice that you start with accepting the big picture, and as time goes on and resistance comes up, you are able to break down reality into different parts. Slowly accept each fact, allowing yourself to remove anger, despair, and resentment. Allow yourself to feel the sadness that comes along with acceptance, and recognize that you are giving yourself the gift of freedom.