The Power of “And”
A big part of emotional health is learning that two things can be true at the same time. We naturally like things to be clear. Was it good or bad? Am I happy or sad? Am I doing well, or am I struggling? Do I accept myself, or do I need to change? But real life usually doesn’t fit neatly into one side or the other.
We can feel two emotions at the same time. You can be genuinely happy for someone and feel jealous. You can be excited about a change and scared of it. You can love someone deeply and be angry with them. You can feel grateful for what you have and still be disappointed about something that is missing. One feeling does not cancel out the other. Sometimes we make things harder for ourselves because we think that if one feeling is true, the other one shouldn’t be there.
The same is true when it comes to how we see ourselves. You can accept yourself exactly where you are and still want to grow. In fact, change does not have to begin with, “There is something wrong with me.” It can begin with, “This is where I am right now, and there are things I would like to work on.” Self-acceptance and change are not opposites. We need both.
Therapy itself is a good example of this. Therapy can be incredibly helpful and also uncomfortable. A good session may leave you feeling understood and supported, but it may also bring up things you would rather avoid. You can be making progress and still have really difficult weeks. You can know that something is good for you and not feel like doing it. Progress does not always feel good while it is happening.
We often get into trouble when we believe we have to choose one side. If therapy is helping, then why am I still struggling? If I accept myself, why would I need to change? If I am grateful, how can I be unhappy? If I understand why someone behaved a certain way, does that mean I have to be okay with what they did?
The answer is that there is room for both.
In DBT, this is called dialectical thinking. Instead of looking at life through either/or, we learn to make more room for and. I am doing the best I can and I need to do better. I can accept what happened and wish it had been different. I can understand someone and disagree with them. I can be struggling and making progress. I can be afraid and move forward anyway.
Being able to hold both sides gives us a bigger picture. It allows us to stop forcing complicated experiences into simple categories. Life can be painful and meaningful. Growth can be exciting and uncomfortable. We can be works in progress and still be worthy of acceptance exactly where we are.
Sometimes we don’t need to figure out which side is true. We need to learn how to make room for both.
