Three DBT Skills That Can Make Dating Less Stressful
Dating can be exciting and meaningful, and it can also feel draining, confusing, and overwhelming. One day you're optimistic about a new shidduch, and the next you're replaying every conversation in your head, doubting his middot, and questioning whether you’re ever going to find the right person. While we can't eliminate the uncertainty that comes with dating, we can change how we respond to it. During this roller-coaster ride we call dating, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) provides useful skills for managing emotions, tolerating discomfort, and making big decisions that align with our long-term goals. Here are three DBT skills that can save you hours of suffering and help bring clarity during a confusing time:
Check the Facts
Our thoughts and emotions often lead us to make assumptions that aren't actually supported by facts.
Someone shows up two minutes late to a date?
They must not respect your time or think you’re valuable.
The shadchan hasn’t followed up in a few days?
They probably heard something negative about you.
You don’t feel an instant connection on a date?
The relationship must have zero potential.
During a process where it often feels like you’re being constantly evaluated, it makes sense to avoid the waiting and uncertainty by jumping to conclusions. The problem is that these conclusions are usually incorrect and only lead us to suffer prematurely or to make decisions out of fear. When you notice yourself making assumptions or becoming extremely upset about a recent dating scenario, pause and ask: What do I actually know? What are the FACTS of the situation? Remember that facts are the objective data you can observe with your senses, like what words someone said or what you saw with your own eyes. Once you remind yourself of the facts, you should act and make decisions based on what you KNOW, not what you suspect, feel, or imagine. Separating the facts from the stories in your mind can help prevent unnecessary pain and ineffective ways of responding, such as telling someone off or shutting down on a date.
Make Decisions Using “Wise Mind”
One of the main ideas in DBT is that we all have different states of mind that guide our behavior. Emotion Mind is the state in which we’re driven by feelings and moods, while Reasonable Mind focuses on facts and logic. Emotion Mind might be the part of you that becomes convinced you found your bashert after one good date, and Reasonable Mind might be the part of you ready to rule out a shidduch based on his yeshiva alone.
Though there may be some validity to both reactions, neither side tells the whole story. While Emotion Mind might lead you to prioritize chemistry over compatibility, Reasonable Mind might cause you to overvalue a “checklist” at the expense of a true connection.
Fortunately, there is a third state of mind that balances the two called Wise Mind. Wise Mind is the inner wisdom that lives inside all of us and sees the whole picture, integrating emotions and logic to reach a conclusion. Before making important decisions, ask yourself: what would my Wise Mind say? Am I being blinded by my emotions, or robotically following the most “logical” course without considering my feelings? Which decision best aligns with my goals and values? Though it might take some practice, your ability to access Wise Mind should eventually get stronger and bring you more calmness and clarity.
Build a Life Worth Living NOW
It goes without saying that marriage is considered a major milestone in Jewish life. Given the emphasis we place on this crucial chapter, it’s easy to fall into the trap of pushing off our lives until marriage or believing that happiness will magically find us under the chuppah.
Though marriage and building a family do have the power to enhance our lives in unique ways, that doesn’t mean that we need to wait for a bashert for our lives to begin. Putting our lives on hold during dating can keep us stuck and make every minor disappointment feel like a massive crisis. The more we nourish our friendships, communities, and relationship with Hashem, the more joy we can feel RIGHT NOW and the more self-knowledge and clarity we’ll bring to dating. That doesn’t mean we should delay dating or put off shidduchim until we’re perfect, but that we can build full lives while dating. Ironically, it is often this decision to work on ourselves and enhance our lives that helps most with dating, allowing us to show up as our best selves and learn more about what matters to us in potential partners.
