DEAR MAN - A DBT guide to obtaining goals effectively

One of the modules in DBT is called “Interpersonal Effectiveness.” This module teaches skills on how to communicate a need/objective in an effective way. Prior to having a conversation with someone else, there are a few questions that you want to ask yourself. 

1. How important is this goal to me?

2. How important is maintaining this relationship to me?

3. How will I be able to maintain my self respect during this interaction?

When going about having the conversation, there are different skills for each of these questions. This blog is going to focus on the first question. If you answered “very important,” the next step is understanding how to go about obtaining your objecting effectively. When you want something, it is important to assert your rights and wishes in a way that will be taken seriously by the other person. 

In DBT there is a skill known as DEAR MAN, which is an acronym to help you remember how to remain effective while asserting yourself to acquire an objective. 

Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce. (Stay) Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate 

D → It can be easy for emotion mind take over when speaking to someone else about something that you want. Therefore, the first step to effectively getting what you want is to describe. This means stating the facts of the situation. Doing so tells the other person exactly what you’re reacting to, and sets the foundation for the rest of the conversation. 

E → Once you have started the conversation grounded in facts, the next step it to express your thoughts and feelings about the situation. Although you may want the other person to be able to read your mind, they really don’t know how you are feeling! Use statements that start with “I” instead of sentences that start with “you.” This keeps the conversation directed and limits openings for defensiveness from the other person. 

A → Now it is time to ask for what you want. Remember, the other person may not be able to infer what you are asking from them. Be clear and specific when asserting yourself. This can either look like asking of something from the other person, or it can look like setting a clear boundary or saying no to them. 

R → Once you stated what you need, reinforce the other person by explaining the positive impacts of getting what you want, or the negative consequences if your objective isn’t attained. This shows the other person that you are thinning beyond yourself and looking at the bigger picture. 

M → Perhaps the other person will bring up something off topic, or maybe you got sidetracked by something that happened a few months prior. This why it is super important to stay mindful. Remember your original goal for having this conversation, and stick with it. You can repeat yourself calmly if need be, and ignore the distractions that the other person may be adding into the conversation.

A → While the actual message that you say is important, the way you deliver that message may be even more important. Whether you feel assured about the conversation or not, appearing confident is an important step. Stand with good posture, maintain eye contact, and keep a steady tone of voice. You know what your goal is, and you want to be able to nonverbally communicate that objective in addition to verbally communicating it. 

N → Remember that this is a conversation, and while you have a clear objective that you are aiming for, there is another person involved in this situation. Therefore, you may have to negotiate with the other person in order to find a solution. You don’t need to lose sight of your goal, but remain open to other suggestions and compromises. You can always turn the tables and ask the other person what solutions they can think of to solve the problem. 

It can be helpful to create a DEAR MAN script in advance of having a harder conversation. Doing this will help you see where you can remain more objective, how you can appear more confident, and will help clarify what you really want.