So Long, People-Pleasing! A DBT Guide to Maintaining Self-Respect

Have you ever found yourself apologizing for something you most definitely weren’t

sorry for? Have you ever agreed or politely nodded along to an opinion that you strongly

disagreed with, simply because you didn’t want to ruffle any feathers? How about completing a favor for someone else when you were already overloaded, not out of genuine kindness but fear of being disliked? If your answer to these questions is a resounding YES, you may be prioritizing external approval over your self-respect.

Though agreeableness is a powerful tool for getting along with others, this tendency can

become a curse when taken to the extreme. As we concede and cater to other people’s needs day after day, we may start to lose sight of our own values and chip away at our self-respect. Some of us may find ourselves in a constant loop of cooperation, resentment, and overwhelm, judging ourselves for how desperately we avoid other people’s judgment.

While people-pleasing may feel like an ingrained habit you don’t know how to quit,

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers a guide to rebuilding and maintaining self-respect, a goal referred to in DBT as self-respect effectiveness. First, you must decide on your goal before an interaction: is this a relationship or situation where you CANNOT say no (e.g., you’re speaking to your boss about an important project), or is there room to assert yourself and stick to your values? If there is space to make your voice heard, the following steps outline how you can maintain your self-respect while respecting others:

1. Be Fair: Treat your needs as equal to the other person’s needs. Don’t put yourself down

in the conversation, and address the other person like an equal. Acknowledge that both of

your wishes and perspectives are worth consideration, and balance listening with making

yourself heard.

2. No Apologies: Don’t overapologize for your existence, for making a valid request, or for

having a different opinion. Don’t invalidate your own perspective or voice. Instead of

slouching and making yourself small, do your best to carry the conversation with a

confident posture and tone of voice.

3. Stick to Values: Stand up for what you believe, and don’t bend on your convictions

unless it is absolutely necessary. This doesn’t mean saying NO to every request or

refusing to compromise on small issues. It simply means standing up for the things that

are important to you and making your perspective clear.

4. Be Truthful: Instead of using excuses or sprinkling in white lies to minimize

awkwardness, be honest about why you don’t agree with the other person's opinion or

why you said no to a favor. This doesn’t mean acting rude or combative, but speaking

your truth while maintaining respect for the other person.

These four steps, known collectively as the FAST skills, can help you rebuild your self-

respect and empower you to live in line with your values. The goal isn’t to become unhelpful or inconsiderate, but to get to a place where your assistance and agreement are sincere. Beyond practicing these four skills regularly, you can practice self-respect effectiveness by asking yourself this question: How do I want to feel about myself when this interaction is over? Over time, you will likely find it easier to strike a delicate balance between respecting others and yourself, maintaining harmony in your relationships while protecting and living up to your own truth.