Clarity Before Conversation: The Benefits of Setting Goals in Interpersonal Interactions

“Think before you speak” is an expression that is frequently thrown around, usually to

remind us to communicate with kindness and consideration. But this expression has an

alternative meaning that is equally important: our conversations are more likely to be effective and helpful to both parties when we approach our interactions with a clear goal in mind.

To illustrate this point, imagine the following scenario. One day you walk into a café to

buy a coffee before a morning meeting, and you are taken aback by the kindness and warmth of your cashier. Before you know it, you begin to compare Shavous menus and form a friendship with her… but you leave the café without coffee and arrive to work thirty minutes late.

Take the next example: after an uncomfortable spat with your in-laws last shabbos, you

decide to call your mother-in-law to address it. The conversation starts out positive… until your mother-in-law makes a subtle dig about your parenting style. Without thinking, you become defensive and begin to harshly assert that you’re “right.” By the end of the conversation, your relationship is even more strained.

These hypotheticals illustrate the downsides of going into conversations blindly, which

often leads us to act in ways that are inefficient, ineffective, or even self-sabotaging. That’s

where the dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skill of “Clarifying Goals” comes into play.

When we have a clear goal in mind for our interactions, even if we’re simply calling a friend to schmooze, we can increase our effectiveness and improve our relationships over time.

According to DBT, there are three primary goals we might have in interpersonal

situations. The first is objectives effectiveness, which is all about getting what we want from

another person or saying no to an unwanted request. When we have a specific objective in mind, we must focus on the outcomes we are aiming for and the steps that will help us get there.

Though this description can read as cold or calculating, objectives effectiveness is a necessary step in our daily functioning. Whether we’re hoping to buy a coffee when we enter a café or teaching our children to brush their teeth, there are plenty of situations where our objective is paramount. In these conversations, we need to remain mindful and consider whether our actions are effectively leading us to that goal.

The next goal for interpersonal situations is relationship effectiveness, which is all about

maintaining or improving our relationship with another person. The key point to consider with relationship effectiveness is how we want the other person to feel about us. It’s not about being right or meeting a concrete objective but ensuring that the other person feels heard or validated.

Take the in-law example above: if we clarify our goals before we call someone, we can focus on finding the validity in their perspective and remind ourselves that defensiveness and arguing back will further damage the relationship.

The final goal for interpersonal situations is self-respect effectiveness, which is about

respecting our own values and beliefs. The idea we’re focusing on here is how we want to feel about ourselves once the conversation is over. That might mean standing up for an ideological position instead of blindly agreeing with someone else, or speaking in an effective, confident manner that makes us feel more capable. (For more information on self-respect effectiveness, see my previous post here).

Though all three goals are important to varying degrees in every conversation, the skill of

“Clarifying Goals” allows us to consider our current priorities and where to focus our attention throughout our interaction. Instead of losing sight of our long-term goals and proceeding mindlessly, this practice can help us communicate with more awareness and improve our relationships, both with others and ourselves, over time.