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Not Just for Crisis: How to Build a Daily Distress Tolerance Toolkit

Life gets overwhelming sometimes — and not just in the dramatic, fall-apart kind of way. More like in the quiet, relentless pressure of everything needing to get done right now. You’ve got kids yelling from opposite ends of the house, dinner half-burnt on the stove, a Shabbos menu still in your head, WhatsApps pinging nonstop, and maybe a simmering disagreement you haven’t had time to process. And that’s all before anything really hard even happens.


For many women, especially in frum homes where we juggle so much — family, work, yontif, emotions, expectations — it can feel like you're expected to handle it all with a smile. But the truth is, no one is built to function under constant emotional pressure without a release valve. DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) teaches a skill set called distress tolerance — practical tools to help you stay afloat when emotions run high. The beauty of these skills is that they’re not just for when everything is falling apart. They’re for the Thursday-before-Yom-Tov moments. The post-carpool overwhelm. The quiet-but-heavy kind of stress that sneaks up on you.


This isn’t about escaping your feelings or pretending you’re fine. It’s about having simple, doable strategies to reset your body and mind — so you can respond instead of react, show up instead of shut down. Let’s walk through how to build your own daily Distress Tolerance Toolkit — something personal, comforting, and right there when you need it most.


1. TIPP: Reset Your Body to Calm Your Brain


When your emotions are on full blast, thinking your way out won’t work. You need to change your body state first. That’s where TIPP comes in: four fast-acting, science-backed tools to bring down your emotional intensity. Here are practical ways to use each part:


T = Temperature


Cool your body quickly to activate your dive reflex (which slows your heart rate and calms the nervous system).


  • Dunk your face in cold water and hold your breath for 30 seconds

  • Splash cold water on your face for 30 seconds while holding your breath

  • Use a cooling gel mask around your eyes 


I = Intense Exercise


Burn off that adrenaline fast. You don’t need to “work out” — just get your heart rate up. Even one minute can take the edge off.


  • 30 seconds of jumping jacks

  • Running up and down the stairs

  • 1-minute wall sit (burns, but resets your body fast)

  • Do pushups against the kitchen counter


P = Paced Breathing


Slow, steady breathing tells your brain: “We’re okay. We’re not in danger.”


  • 4-7-8 breathing: Inhale 4, hold 7, exhale 8

  • Box breathing: Inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4

  • Count your breath out loud — it keeps your mind from racing


P = Paired Muscle Relaxation


Tense and release muscle groups to calm both body and mind.


  • Clench your fists for 5 seconds, then release.

  • Scrunch your shoulders to your ears, hold, then drop.

  • Go through your body head to toe, tensing and relaxing each part.


This pairs physical release with emotional regulation — it works better than you'd think.


2. Distract (In a Healthy Way)


Distraction isn’t denial — it’s a skill. It buys you time so that you don’t end up acting on urges in the moment.


Some DBT-friendly distractions:


  • Read a book or listen to a podcast 

  • Do a quick organizing task (hello, junk drawer)

  • Color in a adult coloring book

  • Text a friend to check in — not to vent, just connect


3. How to Build Your Crisis Kit


A Crisis Kit is your emotional first aid kit. It’s not a long-term fix. It’s what you reach for when you feel like you’re going to snap, spiral, or shut down.


It should be:



Put together a small pouch or box with items like:


Touch 



Smell



Taste


  • Wrapped hard candy or lollipop

  • Mint gum

  • Tea bag (peppermint or chamomile)


Sound


  • Earbuds + playlist (calming music, ocean sounds)

  • Crackling candle 

  • Pre-recorded voice note of someone comforting (or yourself!)


Sight


  • Small Tehillim or siddur

  • Picture of a loved one or calming image


Keep it in your purse, car, or nightstand. You’re not being “extra”—you’re being proactive.

Building a daily distress tolerance habit doesn’t mean life won’t ever feel like too much. It just means you’ll have something to hold onto when it does. Good luck building your own!


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