Self esteem

Self-esteem is a term we often use without fully understanding its meaning. While we’ve put a strong emphasis on building healthy self-esteem, addressing problems in this area, whether in ourselves or our children, can feel overwhelming. "Low self-esteem" often sounds unfixable.

And while we can strive to foster healthy self-esteem from the start, problems can still arise. When they do, we need to be able to clearly define and break them down in order to find practical solutions.

So how do we break down the problem of low self-esteem? 

Using a CBT lens, we view our behavior as being made up of three general categories: thoughts, feelings, and actions. When someone is experiencing problems in their life, we break it down into those categories as well. What problems is this person having in the area of thoughts, the area of feelings, and the area of actions? These categories are all interconnected so changing one will inevitably change the others. 

Let's apply this CBT framework to low self-esteem. Individuals with low self-esteem typically have very negative thoughts about themselves. These thoughts lead to negative feelings about themselves, which in turn influence their actions.

Delving deeper into the thoughts associated with low self-esteem, we may notice that they are often extreme and exclusively negative. They leave no room for self-compassion or flexibility. For instance, if I fail a test, that might trigger thoughts like "I'm stupid" or "I'm a failure." Such thoughts prevent us from acknowledging that weakness in one area doesn't need to equate to overall stupidity or failure in all areas.

These thoughts tend to make us feel bad about ourselves and our abilities. People with low self-esteem often feel down, angry, or anxious, leading to withdrawn or avoidant behaviors. In the test failure example, I might withdraw from class, study excessively or not study at all, or even avoid school altogether. This can reinforce the negative thoughts, as there's no opportunity to disprove them, trapping me in a low self-esteem loop.

We all experience these loops. For some, it's in a specific area of vulnerability; for others, it's more pervasive. These thoughts can be learned through explicit messaging given to us by others or picked up implicitly. Because of all this, it might be helpful for us to start viewing low self-esteem as existing on a spectrum. Those on the higher end may need to do more work to feel better about themselves, but we all fall somewhere on the spectrum. 

Once we have a clearer understanding of this spectrum of low self-esteem, we can begin to implement solutions. The most obvious starting point is with our thoughts. We want to aim to identify and change automatic negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves.Two approaches to doing that are cognitive defusion and cognitive modification. Cognitive defusion involves separating from our thoughts and letting them go. I can tell myself, "I'm having a thought that I am stupid right now," recognize it as just a thought, and let it pass. Cognitive modification involves challenging and replacing thoughts. I'll notice the thought "I am stupid," challenge it, and replace it with something more balanced. I might list reasons why I'm not stupid or recall accomplishments that demonstrate my intelligence. I might also revisit the situation and remind myself of the facts: I failed one test in one subject. Focusing on facts, rather than judgments or criticism, allows me to begin problem-solving to improve my grades without falling into a negative loop.

Our actions are another area we can address in order to improve self-esteem. If I notice that I am avoiding speaking in class due to a belief that I'm stupid, I can actively push myself to speak up more. By doing so, I challenge my belief about my stupidity and create opportunities to learn new beliefs about myself, even without directly confronting the thoughts. This can be a powerful way to improve self-esteem.

Knowing all this, we can start to view this issue differently. Low self-esteem is not a life sentence. When clearly broken down, we have practical ways to improve it that are within reach. Some of us may choose to do this on our own, while others may seek the expert guidance of a therapist. While this isn’t easy work, it can be empowering to recognize that we have tools to help improve this issue for ourselves moving forward.