The Guilt of Failing to Feel

Have you ever experienced guilt for failing to feel?

If you’re Jewish, the answer is likely, “yes.” 

For me this experience comes up especially during the month of Elul.

It’s that time when we feel the intense, strong bond between ourselves and G-d. When He’s closest to us. That feeling of “המלך בשדה”. 

…Right? 

Perhaps. 

Or perhaps you’re one of those who don’t feel that way. Instead you feel a sense of apprehension having nothing to do with the Day of Judgement itself. It’s the dread knowing that for another year you’ll be sitting in shul on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, willing yourself to feel that emotional intensity you’ve been taught to feel. And then feeling guilty that you've failed. 

Like most things, this is not a uniquely you-thing. It’s normal. In fact, it’s comparable to other Jewish experiences as well. Take, for example, the first-time Kosel experience. The experience when we, or others we know, report feeling emotionally flat, or numb, instead of the expected intense spiritual connection, when visiting the Western Wall for the first time.

Now, we know this emotional flatline can’t be due to ignorance. If we’re dealing with this struggle, we know we’re “supposed” to be feeling something else. And we know why we’re supposed to feel that way too. Hence the guilt. 

So why does this happen?

To begin with, the sensation of emotional numbness described above, is a mental process where a person disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, or in more severe cases, their memories or sense of identity. This numbness can result from a variety of things, but in our case, it’s most likely the overwhelming stress of the time.

The emotional numbness that arises, is actually the body’s way of protecting us. Ongoing stress that swamps our system, will eventually lead to a system breakdown. In preventing this collapse, the body will unconsciously “shut down” emotions altogether to shield itself from the continuous difficult ones that are wearing it down. 

For some, Elul is a time associated with fear, anxiety, stress, and guilt. While these emotions in moderation are beneficial in that they motivate us to get to the ultimate goal of teshuvah, all too often they become overwhelming and harmful. In such a state, instead of moving forward and becoming better, we get trapped in an anxiety-shame loop that not only inhibits us from improving, but does us more damage than good. After enough time, the body, being unable to sustain its health with these overwhelming emotions, will shut its feelings down altogether, culminating in the aforementioned numbness we feel while sitting in shul.

So, instead of getting swept away with these unhelpful emotions, it would do us better to instead focus on the gift that Elul is: an opportune time of closeness and relationship-building. In an article for the YatedNe’eman, R’ Yaakov Freitman encourages us to view Elul this way as well, stating that during this time, Hashem allows us to start our relationship with Him from scratch, even if we’ve damaged it in the past - something you’ll never encounter in any human relationship. Focusing on Elul through this lens can bring us to the same goal of teshuvah - but from a helpful  place - and even better, a relationship with Hashem, and G-d willing, a kesiva v’chasima tovah!