The Story You’re Telling Yourself About Your Marriage

Many of us have a story about who our spouse is, and it often begins with labels like these: An emotionally unavailable partner. A drama queen. A control freak or a hothead. A people pleaser, slob, or know-it-all. An obsessive perfectionist or an irresponsible procrastinator. 

Though you may be nodding your head emphatically in recognition, these labels don’t tell the whole story. You live with a person: a complex, ever-changing human being with a tendency to act in certain ways based on past learning, environmental factors, and their cognitive and emotional patterns. This distinction may seem long-winded or overly philosophical, but the way in which you view and relate to your spouse over time can make or break your relationship. 

Before we understand how these judgments affect our relationships, it’s important to understand why we generate these labels in the first place. The human brain is basically a prediction machine, designed to make sense of our surroundings, recognize patterns, and create cohesive narratives to guide our future decisions. The “story” we create about others acts as a cognitive shortcut, allowing us to react more automatically with less effort and save our brainpower for new challenges and threats.  

Though this habit serves an important purpose, there are major downsides to “shortcutting” in our relationships and reducing people to a series of labels and judgments. When we interact with a “drama queen” or “gaslighter” instead of a fellow human being, we become more emotionally reactive and less understanding. We see every expression and behavior as further evidence of our story: See! I knew it. He doesn’t care about me. She only cares about her parents’ opinion. He doesn’t respect me or appreciate how hard I’m working. While many of these narratives contain fragments of truth and valid experiences of disappointment and hurt, repeatedly telling these stories can seal our fate, leaving no space to rewrite these patterns or consider our spouse’s perspectives. When we use language like “always” or “only” to describe a person’s behavior, we are convincing ourselves that things can never change, leaving us unmotivated to express our needs or try different communication strategies. Similarly, when we share these labels with our spouse, we can unknowingly create a self-fulfilling prophecy, making our spouse more likely to react and behave in the ways we disapprove of. Think about it this way: if someone labels you a “drama queen,” does it make you feel any calmer, or does it actually make you angrier and more dysregulated? 

Though it is important to recognize and address ineffective patterns and challenges in our relationships, the key is to be specific, curious, and open to change. Instead of labeling your spouse as “Mr. Silent Treatment,” start by sharing that you’ve noticed him go silent a few times after big arguments, and that you’d like to understand more about his experience during those moments. Before calling your wife a “workaholic,” try earnestly sharing that you’ve struggled with her absence and that you’re hoping to schedule more family time. By breaking down these labels to concrete behaviors, we can increase understanding and make room for change. You may find that a healthier marriage lies on the other side of these painful stories: a relationship in which struggles are acknowledged and resolved, not etched in stone.