Shame - A DBT approach

One of the four modules of dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is emotion regulation. The foundation to any emotion regulation skill is identifying the emotion that you are feeling, and how that emotion manifests itself. Once you understand why an emotion is coming up and what the sensations that come along with it, you can begin using skills to regulate that emotion. 

Have you ever felt like you just want to hide? Likely, the emotion of shame is causing you this emotional response. Let’s break down shame for a second. Shame is typically a social emotion which is felt when one feels as though their behavior or character will be unapproved of or rejected. There are events which can cause you to feel shame, for instance: being rejected from those around you, being laughed at, behaving in a way in which the people you admire would find immoral, being invalidated, or exposing a private aspect of your life. Additionally one can feel shame based on how they interpret an event which occurred. For example: a belief that someone rejected you, believing you’re unlovable, judging yourself as less than, and thinking that you haven’t lived up to others’ expectations. 

Sometimes these feelings of shame are helpful and other times they are unhelpful. 

Shame is effective when it prevents you from sharing personal characteristics or behaving in a way which will cause you rejection. Therefore, if you were to behave or share a personal characteristic, and then be dealt rejection by the people around you, feeling shame would fit the facts of the situation. However, shame becomes unhelpful when you begin to feel it in a situation where you won’t be rejected for how you behave or what you share. Feeling shame about how a loving and validating adult may view you, is likely an unhelpful kind of shame. On a more basic level, quite often people feel a sense of shame when asked to improv, share their opinions, or answer a question in class. In most situations, this kind of shame doesn’t fit the facts of reality. Working through ineffective shame will allow you to live in your wise mind in the driver’s seat. 

One way to overcome unhelpful shame is to use a DBT skill known as opposite action. This means identifying the urge that you are feeling and doing the exact opposite – in this case, facing the shame head on. This can look like publicly sharing that which you are ashamed of with people who won’t reject you for it. For example, a therapist, close family member, or trusted friend. The more you expose yourself to the shame, the less of a hold it will have on your life. For example: you are sitting around the table with your friends and want to be more open with them but are overwhelmed with feeling of shame. Opposite action would ask of you to open up to your friends [assuming they won’t reject you even if it feels scary]. Repeat these exposures over and over again, as this will train your brain and body to react differently to the original stimuli which used to cause you shame.

If you are staying mindful of your body while you are feeling shame, you may notice your sensations and body language shifting. Perhaps you are avoiding eye contact, covering parts of your face, or feel a sense of dread creeping up inside of you. Maybe after the shameful feelings reach their peak, you notice yourself avoiding thinking about what just transpired, isolating, or over-focusing on yourself. While exposing yourself to the specific action will help you learn to be okay with feelings of shame, acting opposite all the way will help with the effects shame has on your thoughts and behaviors. 

When you are focusing on acting opposite all the way, try to stay mindful of your feelings of shame and the behaviors you are tempted to do. Maintain eye contact while sharing with another person, don’t apologize for an interpreted shame, lift your shoulders up and keep your voice strong. Doing opposite action all the way won’t feel comfortable at first, and that is okay! When you try to avoid unhelpful shame by hiding, it reinforces the belief that what you did, said, or who you are is shameful. When you allow yourself to fully feel shame, you are teaching yourself that you - just as you are - are good, enough, and make sense. 

Give it a go! Think of something small which causes you shame and try using opposite action all the way to regulate it. 

Here are some opposite action ideas to help you get started:

• Share something vulnerable with someone you trust 

• Share something creative which you’ve done 

• At the next simcha that you go to, fully participate in the dancing 

• Tell a joke to a group of people 

• Sing a little louder and the next kumzits you’re at 

• Pick an outfit to wear which YOU like (without questioning what others think)

• Share your opinion even if others may [respectfully] disagree