Validation 101: How to Understand Without Undermining

If you ever scroll through social media reels or read a self-help book these days, odds are

you’ve come across the word validation. Whether or not we can define the word off-the-cuff,

most of us have felt its power at one point in our lives: the comfort and relief that comes from someone recognizing our internal experience and confirming that our thoughts or feelings are understandable and real. As relational beings, we knowingly or unknowingly crave this recognition from birth. Babies rely on their parents’ attunement to their physical and emotional needs. In many ways, our survival depends on our caregivers’ ability to recognize and understand our sensations, expressions, and cues. On a psychological level, we all grow up needing validation and support to build strong relationships with our parents, make sense of the world, and learn to trust our own experiences.

Though we may recognize the importance of validation and consistently crave it from

others, many of us haven’t learned the ropes for how to provide validation in an effective and

compassionate way. For some people, validation comes easily in calm, uncomplicated situations, but becomes a distant memory in the throes of a heated argument or disagreement. Thankfully, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), an evidence-based treatment that emphasizes the balance between acceptance and change, provides us with an easy-to-follow roadmap for how we can validate others effectively, even when emotions are running high.

The first validation strategy is intuitive, but one we often neglect in practice: you must

simply pay attention to the person in front of you. That means looking interested in your friend, spouse, or family member by maintaining eye contact and truly listening to the words coming out of their mouth. No multitasking, no Amazon-browsing mid-conversation. It’s impossible to fully attune to someone we are more-or-less ignoring, so this skill requires us to slow down, listen, and remain present.

The next level of validation is to reflect back what the other person is saying to confirm

that you are understanding the intended meaning of their words. The key here is accuracy. We want to be sure we understand what the person is saying and convey it back in a neutral, matter-of-fact way. Avoid repeating their words with judgment, exaggeration, or a mocking tone.

For example, the other person will likely perceive you as invalidating if you respond with something like: “Yeah, yeah, I ALWAYS do this to you and I’m just a terrible person.” Instead, focus on the core message you heard and offer it back simply to check in: “I’m hearing that you found it hurtful when I raised my voice earlier. Is that accurate?”

The third level of validation is to read between the lines by paying attention to nonverbal

cues. Notice facial expressions, body language, and the broader context. If you pick up on a

specific emotion, try to communicate that understanding through words or actions. For example, if you sense that your spouse is overwhelmed by a work crisis based on their pacing around the kitchen, you might do the dishes to take something off their plate or leave them a supportive note. Attuning yourself to these cues shows the other person that you care and are actively trying to understand their inner experience.

The fourth validation strategy is to understand how the person’s words, emotions, or

behaviors make sense given their history or the current situation. This skill is especially

important during intense disagreements. When you zoom out and consider context, such as past experiences, stressors, or vulnerabilities, it becomes easier to shift from blame and resentment toward compassion and openness. For example, if your friend sounds distracted and snaps at you while driving, it might be helpful to remember she was in a car accident last week. If you’re losing patience with your toddler for throwing a tantrum, remind yourself that they’re tired and haven’t yet learned to regulate their big emotions.

The next validation skill asks us to acknowledge the valid in the other person’s feelings,

thoughts, or actions. Even if we strongly disagree about the larger issue, is there something about their experience that is understandable? Is there a kernel of truth in their perspective? Even when someone is stating inaccurate information or twisting your words, can you understand why your words or actions landed painfully for them? This skill is particularly useful in unresolvable conflicts, where agreement may not be possible but maintaining the relationship still matters.

The final validation skill is to show equality in the interaction. This means avoiding

contempt, condescension, or treating the other person as fragile or inferior. We want to be

authentic without portraying ourselves as morally or emotionally “above” or “below” the other person. Equality communicates that both perspectives are valuable and that neither person needs to be undermined for the conversation to continue.

Whether you use one validation skill or all of the above strategies during an interaction,

you may notice that conversations feel different. People tend to soften and act more

understanding when they feel understood. Arguments that usually spiral may slow down or at least become less explosive. Validation doesn’t magically resolve disagreements, and it certainly doesn’t mean denying or invalidating your own perspective. What it does offer is a way to maintain your relationships even when things feel tense or unresolved. Over time, consistently validating others can change the emotional tone of a relationship, making it feel safer to disagree and easier to repair when things go wrong.