How to let go of all or nothing thinking

What are cognitive distortions? Cognitive distortions are unhelpful or irrational thought patterns that alter how we see both the world and ourselves. Holding onto these patterns reinforces unhelpful thinking and can contribute to anxiety, depression, and low self esteem. One of these thought patterns is called all or nothing thinking. This is the tendency to see things as one way or the other – “if I mess up, I am a failure.” “I lost my temper, therefore I am an angry person.” “If I don’t agree with a point you’re making you must be a liar. When we use all or nothing thinking, we forget that humans aren’t one entity; rather we’re vast and complex.

Sometimes, it can even feel automatic to label things as either good or bad. 

When we think this way, there can be an illusory comfort in living in a black and white world. However, real life happens in the grey, where things aren’t all good or all bad. To live a life of gray means to hold two truths at once, to think in a nuanced and complex manner, and to be okay with the unknowns in life. Those of us who automatically jump from one end of the spectrum to the other have a hard time understanding that there is a whole world of nuance that we can exist in. 

One example of this all or nothing thinking: As Torah observant Jews, thoughts sometimes look like this: “I did an aveira I am such a bad person” or “How could I call myself frum after speaking to my mother like that?” Because we have the Torah which guides us on how to live our lives, when we make mistakes that don’t align with our values, we might fall into this unhelpful thinking patten and conclude, “I am a bad Jew”. However, labeling yourself as “bad” is not an effective way to head towards growth; instead, it reinforces the belief that you are unable to change. 

When all or nothing thinking impacts thoughts about ourselves, others, or the world, it is time to challenge these distortions. When we do this, it is called cognitive restructuring. 

Here are some ways to help you challenge all or nothing thinking:

1. Brainstorm an alternative thought-  – Consider your current thought and think about how you might think of the same situation differently. Considering our previous example, this might look like creating a more nuanced statement for yourself as an alternative to “I am bad”. Here are some examples: “I am a good person and also get angry.” “I can love Hashem and also make mistakes.” “I am trying hard and sometimes I don’t finish what I set out to do.” 

2. Put the thought on trial – create a mini court case for yourself. What evidence do you have in favor of your thought and what evidence do you have against your thought? You may come to the conclusion that your thought is not a fact, rather it is a feeling.

3. What would I say to a friend if she told me this statement about herself? Quite often we are harsh on ourselves and would never allow a friend to speak to herself in the same way. If a friend said “I am such a bad person” we would likely respond “are you kidding!! Don’t speak to yourself like that!” Offer yourself the same understanding and care that you would offer to your close friends.

Like all skills, challenging all or nothing thinking takes practice. Remind yourself when you are getting frustrated that you are doing the best you can while taking the steps towards more helpful thinking patterns.